Orgasms are not compulsory …???

I've come to realise that we put too much emphasis on orgasms during sex. Don't get me wrong, orgasms are wonderful and no one is going to argue with that. However as always, the devil is in the detail.

The desire to please your partner is admirable. That is actually a form of tenderness, care and attention,  but when sex becomes an obsession to cum at any cost, it loses its intimacy and becomes more of a chore or a sports event.

Apart from the two sexual individuals there are other external factors that influence if an orgasm will or will not happen. Even if the pair of you are super in-tune with each other, sexual and passionate lovers, and you know each other really well (in & out ;) there is still a chance of a love-making session without the grand finale. Reasons are many, it’s not the right day of the month, head is full of thoughts on rotation, meds that kill libido, the moon is in Capricorn and 99 other factors.

That’s just life and it’s not the end of the world. And it doesn’t mean that you’re bad in bed. To place your own value on another person’s orgasm is bad idea, as it can make them feel inadequate and create negative feelings for both partners.. ie. ‘I’m not man enough I can’t even make her cum’ or ‘oh fk I feel guilty, he’s trying so damn hard and I’m taking forever to cum.’

When putting emphasis on an orgasm as a goal, you are adding unnecessary pressure borderline on irritation. For me this annoying idea, that I must perform to orgasm, it does the opposite, it makes me feel closed off, not a sexual desire. I go through phases where I get more enjoyment out of the actual process than the grand finale itself. When the orgasm is just not going to happen for a number of external influences. And then too bad if in that moment I am with the typical “I ain’t stopping till you cum bby” type of stallion, in my head I just want the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible. Like c’mon baby, my orgasm is not a trophy for your hard work.

If for whatever reason a partner does not experience an orgasm, that does not mean that your relationship is in jeopardy. It is luckily that your lover needs a good night’s sleep, get a general heath check up if you feel that it’s needed, and generally let the stressful situation, which you have no control over pass. Pressure here is your enemy, will not make anyone happier.

The few times when sex doesn’t end up in the big movie-scene-like orgasm, is ok. And shouldn’t be written off as a failure. However if you see a pattern and it is more frequent when not, and an open trustworthy communication is not possible between the two of you, that is a completely different story. But as long as you are able to listen to each other, talk, and not compete as to who is the most productive orgasm giver, you’re fine and completely normal!

So let's take the pressure off orgasms and just have fun out there!

Love,
Lexi, XX