My experience with sensate focus
Today I am going to explain my experience with sensate focus. If you don't know what it is please read Sensate focus and How to perform Sensate Focus. When I first asked to try out Sensate focus with one of the guys I have been seeing he was a little surprised but keen to try it out. Since the purpose of sensate focus is not romance it's about sensation he was keen to learn and explore. Sensate focus is not an erotic touch exercise, it is about non-demand touching, no expectations of sexual intercourse. My experience of sensate focus opened up my definition of sex to include actions like showering together after sex and no expectation touching. We began by putting away an hour to enjoy each other's bodies. We lit candles and played some relaxing low music. The bed was set up with pillows around every corner and we had oil ready for later on.
We usually touch each other and play just for the sensation without the expectation of sex every time so this was not that big of a leap for us. However, setting up and designating time to explore sensation together knowing we wouldn’t be having sex during the time became a tease and stressor as it is so easy to just give in. I found once we persisted it began to become more and more sensual. We discovered new hot spots, he enjoys his ankles and hips being played with and lots of tickling while I enjoy a firmer grip, and loving touch, I enjoy the feeling of being adored and the sensation of attention on my body. I love my thighs and arms being touched as well as my stomach. After we had “remapped our bodies for pleasure” we remembered to pay attention to these places as we explored further.
When we began sexual touching, holding back became near impossible but we managed to remind each other not to penetrate. It was interesting being touched and explored both breasts and labia without intention to come. My experience of sensate focus almost felt like I was being shown off but at the same time, for my pleasure and my pleasure alone. Labelling the experience as good, bad or awkward is discouraged by Masters and Johnson. They explain that “Just as being a restaurant critic changes the experience of dining out, being evaluative as sex is happening invariably puts you in the position of being an observer as a participant. The part of your mind that is observing is blocked from experiencing, with the all-too-common result that you think too much and feel too little.”
So while we usually are both an observer and a participant when it comes to sex, this time when we were receiving our massage we were just the participant, when we were performing sensate focus we were the observer and practising. After this experience together we ended up having a bath to wash off the oil we used towards the end and discussed how we felt. We both felt more connected physically as we now knew each other's pleasure points and bodies, and even more importantly our own. We ended up having delightful sex soon after our shower and it was the most sensual sex. We now consider behaviours like showering together, washing each other part of our sex life just as much as sexual intercourse.