THINGS MEN CAN'T DO ANYMORE WHEN THEY GET A NEW GIRLFRIEND.
#1…..THE BIG ONE- You know what the big one is don’t you, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Scratching your balls, ass & whatever other gross thing it is you normally scratch while walking around the house in your jocks. Yep kiss that comfort goodbye!
#2…..TOILET RULES- Prepare for a bollocking each & every time you leave that toilet seat up & God forbid you piss on the seat & don’t wipe up after yourself!!!
#3…..CLOTHING- Ok you know your girlfriend is a neat freak, do yourself a favour & put your clothes away. Under no circumstances leave your shit out in a pile on the floor, or on the bed & especially not in the bathroom where she’ll have to step out onto them when she gets out of her after work bath. I’m telling you she will throw that pile right in your face.
#4…..THE FRIDGE- So you never put lids on things, crusts start to form on the lids of jars, liquid is spilling out from containers & everything is out of date. NO, NO, NO , NO, NO!! Do not drink from containers, check the due by dates & wipe the gunk if it’s spilling over. If she ever makes her coffee in the morning with sour milk, forget fondling her boobs when you guys are laying in bed watching a movie!
#5…..PERSONAL HYGEINE- I get it you hate doing laundry, who doesn’t? So you usually leave your underwear till you can’t stand it’s stench any longer & the deodorant no longer masks it’s special kind of odour & then & only then will you wash your clothing. Forget about it! Personal hygiene is the most important thing to your girl & if you’re caught out with no clean tighty whities to wear for work you may just get stuck with wearing a pair of hers & she WILL make you do it!
#6…..WIND & BURPING- Wind, let’s admit it we all like to break wind, but when you’re in a new relationship it’s an absolute no go zone. She’s not your best mate, she’s not going to appreciate the fact that you can burp or fart the alphabet. Trust me you’re not going to hear her fart for at least 7years.
#7…..PORN- We all love porn, I mean I do & I get caught out with it on my browser ALL the time…triple anal penetration anyone? Your new love may be a tad sensitive in regards to porn so just keep that in mind next time you’re flogging one off in the bathroom then she goes to use your phone to google some take out….you will NEVER hear the end of it!
#8…..FREEDOM- I’m not saying all women are bitches, well actually I am. Everything is new & wonderful, she loves you so much & she’s a wild cat in bed, perfect. At the same time because everything is so new & great she will want to spend every waking moment with YOU! Be prepared to spend endless days doing everything she wants to do & nothing you want to do. Freedom may no longer be an option, the pub is unsophisticated, footy is not a sport, Die Hard is no longer your favourite movie. Your life ends now……
#9…..FRIENDS- There’s going to be a time where you’ll have to rethink your friends, there’s most likely going to be ones she can’t stand & like a little school boy you’ll be told you can’t hang out with them. No need to worry, you’ll have ALL of her friends to play with instead…HAHAHA!
#10…..SAYING GOODBYE- I know you’re used to leaving the house whenever you like at any given moment, whenever you want to. Well, you can’t do that anymore. It will be an absolute MUST to say goodbye each & every single time you need to leave. You’ll need to have your ‘I love you’s” ready at the tip of your tongue & your soft tender hugs at the ready too. If you dare happen to leave without telling her & she comes out of the shower & you’re gone, let’s just say you’re not coming back in again that night. So do yourself a favour & don’t forget that she’s there & that even counts if it’s not even her house, it doesn’t matter, it’s partially hers regardless so you need to state your purpose for leaving & who you’re going with & when you’ll be back. Got it, ok good!
Ok for those of you who are sitting there thinking or saying this is sexist, no it isn’t, it’s sarcasm. And if you happen to be one of those women who don’t get it & can’t see a single bit of truth in what I’ve written, then hell, I’ve kind of hit the nail on the head then haven’t I. If you can’t take a joke, bad luck learn to laugh a little. And yes, I am a woman so I’m allowed to, right!!!
Take it easy, it’s part truth part joke!!
Love Lexi XXX