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WHERE ARE ALL THE ADULT STORES?

     It’s true, there was a time when in the middle of the night I’d put on my trench coat, wrap a scarf around my head, which was the extent of my disguise, all so that I could creep down a back alleyway & sneak into my local adult store. Yes, it was seedy & a touch creepy but that was what you did when you needed to stock up on the latest Jenna Jamison porno. I didn’t care that I looked like I was about to buy drugs in a dirty alley, there was no internet & I had needs! You see back then it was an experience going to an adult store, everyone did exactly the same shameful slippery moves in an attempt to be discreet. Goodness forbid you bumped into a fellow creeper in the doorway…..look down & pretend you were actually looking for the local Chinese takeout & quickly scuttle past one another…..me trying to avoid brushing up against the suspect looking man lest I touch some foreign white gloopy stuff on his trousers & him trying very hard to discreetly accidentally molest a breast or butt cheek as he squeezes close by me. Once inside it was safe, rows upon rows of pornography to hide behind, it was like a candy store, something for everyone. I’d glide through the isles pretending to know what I was doing because you know I’m the super cool chick in the sex shop full of guys, yep I’m a real evolved bad ass bitch….yeah right, as soon as I’d find something I was unfamiliar with like triple penetration vids I’d giggle like a retarded seal & every time I’d get the guy in the tank top behind the counter asking me if he could help me. Not that he cared or ever looked up, he was too busy reading the “articles” in the imported German BDSM mag. Let me tell you it was more than once he snuck away to the back room to jerk off & left me alone with the dirty man in the beige mac who would shove a porno down his pants & quickly, quietly sneak out with his “big & bountiful feeding fatties” specialty porn. Sometimes there was a really cool chick behind the counter who I’d hang out with after I’d bought a tone of PVC fetish wear, we’d sit down & have a cup of tea talking about social awareness & the environment. Someone would always come in to buy sleazy lingerie in extra large claiming it was for their shy girlfriend & the local queen would come in for his strap-ons & the biggest butt plugs I’d ever seen. Amal nitrate was in constant demand & they still sold Spanish Fly, I bet you don’t even know what that is do you?

     Ahhh, those were the days….awkward, amusing & utterly ridiculous. But this was what adult stores were like, a little sleazy, a little gross & yet somehow comforting. Comforting by way of knowing you could be anyone or anything & no one cared, you were all being perverted bastards together, like one big freaky family. Eventually everyone got to know each other & it became quant, yep that’s the word I’m using “my quant little sex shop”….lol.  I have the best & fondest memories of my local sex shop & I wouldn’t trade them in for anything. Now you sit in your room at home or in your office at work & anonymously buy your sex toys & you download your porn off free sites. Well, you unfortunately miss out on all the fun of getting caught walking out of the shop by your dad, your mum finding your German porn stash & your boyfriend finding your big black 90’s looking dildo…..or maybe not, your boyfriend may still find your dildo!

 

Where are all the sex shops?!!!

 

Love Lexi XXX