THE WORST TINDER DATE EVER!!!
This is a story as told to me by my good friend Adam about his hysterical first & last Tinder date. He's kindly allowed me to write his tale word for word so we can all laugh & learn from his experience.
You know when someone tells you a crazy story about something that happened to them or to someone they knew & you think to yourself that there's no way that could possibly be true, well this is one of those stories.
I'm part of the generation that's fallen into the tinder craze. I'd never tried it myself personally so my friends basically bullied me into giving it a try. Seemed so simple, casual & uncomplicated, put up a profile & bingo bango get a date. So I'm 22 I've had 3 girlfriends & I'm pretty outgoing & open minded. I'm no GQ model but I'd say I'm not unattractive, I'm what my female friends call "cute". So when I happened to get asked on a date by a stunning older woman naturally I was a little hesitant. Now by stunning I mean a cross between Angelina Jolie & Cindy Crawford, of course my friends were making me more nervous by filling my head with images of a six foot 4 bearded lumberjack wearing leather bondage gear. Oh how close to being right they were. I couldn't be deterred though, I just thought hey you're young, live dangerously, anyway I'd be in a crowded restaurant how dangerous could it be. So it was set, date, time & place all locked in.
Skip to the day of the date & I'm looking good, get to the restaurant early & I'm practically shitting myself. I won't bother you with any of the tedious details. So all of a sudden she's there, right in front of me. Jesus am I dreaming, she looks better than her photos & to top it off she's incredibly gracious & friendly. So I'm guessing her age to be around 35 & no exaggeration when I say she really was a cross between Angie & Cindy. I couldn't believe my luck, I mean everyone was staring at us, well at her anyway but she seemed not to notice at all, must be used to it. So we order some food, get some drinks into us & start the small talk. You know the kind of thing...what do you do, what are your hobbies, do you like to travel, what's your favourite book that kind of thing. I find out she's a doctor & lives alone. I'm truly impressed by her, not only is she beautiful but also incredibly intelligent & just fascinating in general. I tell her so & she responds by telling me how fortunate she thinks she is that I agreed to meet her. What is going on here, stunning & genuinely kind hearted.
Ok so fast forward an hour or so & dinner is winding up when she asks me if I'd like to come back to her place for her to have some fun with me, just remember those words "have some fun with me". Shocked though I am what am I going to say "no thanks I'll just go home alone & jerk off thinking about you".... of course I said yes!!! Since she got a taxi to the restaurant I drove us while she directed. So we're driving along, music blasting while we chat & out of nowhere her hand is reaching for my crotch, undoing my fly & stroking my dick. Trust me I'm not complaining but it would have been a little embarrassing if I happened to cream my pants then & there, & was it my imagination or did she have her hand in between her thighs? Anyway I manage to sufficiently control myself till we arrive at our destination, she lives in a penthouse by the harbour. Up the lift we go & I'm still shitting bricks. So she goes to unlock the door & I hear voices, not so much voices but moaning, I ask her with some trepidation whether there was someone else at home, she just smiles & puts a hand on my shoulder & tells me it's ok just relax, so I do. We head inside & i realise that the noise is coming from the television in the living room, its porn, porn playing on the television, bit unusual I think but I go with the flow. She tells me to pour myself a drink & sit back as she's just going to go freshen up. So I make myself comfy on the sofa, lean back & watch the screen, quite naturally I end up with a raging hard on again. Not just because the image on the screen is of a very talented blonde blowing some guys huge cock but also because my minds still stuck on my dates fingers wrapped around my dick. Give or take about 10mins & my date finally emerges from what I presume is the bedroom. Ok so you know the scene in Mr & Mrs Smith where Angie goes to assassinate some arms dealer & she takes off her coat & underneath she's wearing thigh high boots & an amazing figure hugging leather outfit, breasts heaving, locks flowing, perfect red lips pouting & to top it off brandishing a riding crop. Yeah you know the scene, well that’s the scene that greeted me from the doorway. So two things go through my mind simultaneously. Number one, this woman's going to be the best lay I've ever had in my life & number two, what if that crop is an indicator of what she wants to do with me. Either way I've decided who gives a shit cause this is going to blow me away!!! So she comes over to me, she must notice my hard on because she gently strokes it with the crop & asks me if I want to play, which I respond to with something sounding like a girl’s sigh, luckily it's looks as though she finds this endearing. She takes me by my erection & leads me to the room she just stepped out of. The rooms lit with candles & is dominated by a huge sumptuous four poster bed, I notice there's straps attached to each post. She tells me to get naked & lay on the bed, at this point I'm going do whatever she tells me right. I lay down & she straddles me & starts fastening my hands & feet to the straps. I give out a nervous giggle & tell her I'm good with anything as long as she doesn't hurt me too much, she just looks me in the eye & says "don't worry, not too badly".... it's going be ok, it's going be ok, this is what I'm telling myself in my head. Ok so I've steadied my nerves but then I see she's sliding open the wardrobe door & then I think I stop breathing, wtf is that, the entire wardrobe is full of what looks to be medieval torture implements. Before I get to beg her to free me, she's gagged me with what I think is a massive baby dummy! If I could have I would have cried for my mother. I start telling myself it's ok she's got a bit of a bondage fetish, no big deal she's still going screw you senseless. I've kind of lost my erection though, until she gets naked & I'm standing to attention in two seconds flat. She pulls out a huge vibrator & comes & straddles my thighs facing me. Her legs are spread wide & she's got a beautiful pussy that she starts masturbating with her toy. Her moaning is muffled by the loud buzzing of the massager, she's writhing around, arching her back & I'm thinking this is unbelievable. She's rubbing her clit with such desperation & all of a sudden my dick & thighs are drenched. Fuck me dead, she just squirted all over me, I mean I've only ever seen that in porn, I can't believe that just happened, I'm so fricking horny & I'm ready for what comes next the fucking of a lifetime, or at least that's what I thought was going get. So I've never seen someone look so ravishing, the look of sheer elation & satisfaction on her face was admittedly beautiful & with that look she says "are you ready".... I'm still gagged so I just nod excitedly & point to my hard on with my bulging eyes. What comes next should probably be erased from my memory after I relay this story. I close my eyes anticipating my erection being sucked up by her moist hot pussy, so when she starts licking her cum off my thighs I'm pretty pleased.... until, without warning, she slaps my dick with the riding crop. Jesus Christ what on earth was this woman doing, I was in excruciating pain. My eyes are well and truly watering. Everything after this point happens pretty quickly, at least l think it does. She starts walking back to the wall of horror & comes back with a human sized nappy, she puts it on me & starts beating me with a whip, everywhere!!! Now I don't consider myself to be a wimp but for fucks sake this bitch is caning my genitals like they've personally offended her in some way. I'm experiencing some serious pain now, then she stops hitting me. Instead she's now caressing my dick with little kisses & what do you think happens, somewhere somehow my head downstairs convinces me that good things will happen now, that we're finally going to get laid. Wrong!! She takes out the dummy & shoves her tit in my mouth telling me to suck, so I do but then I taste something bitter. I open my eyes & what do I see, she's milking her tit right in my mouth, this woman is lactating in my fucking mouth. I try to move my head but shit she's strong, she's got my head clamped. I'm searching wildly for someone to help me & I spot something in my peripheral vision, how the hell didn't I notice this earlier, there's a photo on the bed stand of her & the family!!! She's got 2 fucking children & a husband that looks as big as a gorilla, this bitch is insane. So in my panic I start to choke & what does she do, throw me some sympathy, I don't bloody think so. She starts beating me again while she says things like "aw mummy will make it better, let it all out my little man, there, there bubba".... all while she's beating the crap out of me!!! Jesus I think I'm bleeding, I can't even feel my dick anymore & then I hear ringing, it's her mobile phone, omg thank goodness I'll get some respite while she goes to answer it. All I can think of is how the crap I'm going escape this nightmare or am I going to be held prisoner here indefinitely till the deranged cow finally kills me by drowning me in her tsunami of squirting cum, which by the way I'm not finding so hot right now! What the fuck is going on now, she starts acting all panicked & I just manage to pick up some of her conversation. Did I hear her correctly, did she just say "darling I promise I'm alone, no baby there's no one here but me & I'm waiting for you to come home & tell mama she's been a bad, bad girl".... that's it, I'm going to die, her husband’s coming home & I'm going to die. I think I actually pass out at this stage. I have no idea what went on while I was out or even how long I was out cold but I was woken up by the sound of a man’s yelling. The bedroom door was shut but I could still here him yelling, he was screaming "where is he I'm going kill the prick"...seriously I thought I was going to die, murdered by an irate husband while wearing human diapers. It was only a matter of time before he burst through the door but even when he did I wasn't prepared for the sight. He was like 6ft5 with full facial hair & steroid pumped bulging muscles, he was literally a beast. So this was the lumberjack with the full beard, except he wasn't in drag & he was waving about a butcher’s knife. I could feel his sour alcoholic breathe on my face when he jumped on top of me virtually nose to nose while he growled at me like a dog, fuck he was drooling into my open mouth. I'm not going to deny it, I started to cry, snot dripping from my nose & bubbling spittle from my lips I begged for my life. That's when he climbed off me & turned to his wife asking her what she thought, they both started laughing. Seriously these two people are freaks! She starts loosening my leg straps & I'm thinking thank god they're letting me go, it was just some sick joke. But then of course it's just my luck, he starts fondling her & she loses focus & stops untying me when she gets to my hands. Are they actually doing this in front of me, they're actually fucking in front of me & I'm laying here trapped. He actually turns around while he's banging away & tells me I can leave & laughs, well I can't fucking leave cause I'm still strapped to your bed asshole.
So after some struggling I get a hand free then untie my other, I've even forgotten about the nappies, yep they're still at it, my god he's using the largest dildo I've ever seen in my life & pummelling her ass with it. The scene is so weird that I've got to force myself to stop looking while I quietly grab my clothes & run out of there in my nappies, I don't even stop to put my clothing on & God only knows what I looked like on the lobby security cameras. Only when I get to my car do I realise that I've not only pissed myself but I crapped myself, yep I literally shit myself from fear. The worst part is, in some screwed up way I'm still thinking about the fact that I still hadn't been laid!!! So I guess she really did mean it when she said "have some fun with me"...yep she really had her fun with me.
So the moral of the story is simply this, when it seems too good to be true then it most likely is & not to forget if the woman's freakishly hot, then she's probably a psychopath. I'll stick to brothels & rub & tugs from now on. Fuck my life what just happened here??!!!!
With love from Lexi & Adam XXX