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     Like most people I had been socially groomed to believe that if someone cheats on you they don’t love you, but a number of years ago something happened in my life that changed my entire point of view. I had an affair and it changed my married life and my perspective on marriage.

     As far as I learnt, affairs are most definitely a two-way affair, both parties in the marriage being responsible for the lead up and the third party just a stepping stool to the final outcome. When asking people about what they think of people who cheat and who they believe to be the guilty party, most will lay it on the doorstep of the cheater. That may be the case if you’re talking about impulse control, I mean you could say why not just control your urges, it’s because affairs aren’t necessarily always about carnal desires. There are a number of reasons women have affairs, the main ones a lack of intimacy and a feeling of neglect resulting in a dispassionate relationship. In my opinion, women being of the sex that has far greater emotional intelligence, we see everything from an emotional point of view. Most demands we have of our husbands are self reflective. The way we see it we have such high standards of ourselves in our relationships we expect the same level of input in return. We expect our partners to be amazing husbands, lovers, fathers, providers and best friends, on top of all of that we expect them to only have eyes for us denying even a look in another woman’s direction. Is it because we expect all this of ourselves that we unrealistically expect so much of others, we are all different and not everyone can be as amazing as us. That’s what we think isn’t it,  so we are emotionally invested in our marriages, not that we shouldn’t be but maybe we should look at things in a different light. When all our needs aren’t met to our standard we can end up being bitterly disappointed. Maybe we should celebrate our partners for those needs they do meet well and everything else won’t be such an upset. It’s not about settling for second best, it’s about being realistic and working well with what you’ve got, making apple pie out of lemons. But in saying this as I said before it’s a two way affair, a lack of empathy and caring from our husbands can push us to do things we may not want but desperately need.

     When it comes to marriages life gets in the way sometimes, work, children, time, finances. Sometimes with all the distractions we can get lost on the sidelines, a bit neglected and a tad forgotten. We all need someone to bear witness to our lives, we all need someone to share our experiences with, whether it be emotionally or sexually, most times the two going hand in hand. We all need intimacy and affairs are a complex combination of need and desire. The complexity being that sometimes, there is much love still between a husband and wife. So what do you do when you love your husband but the intimacy has faded from your lives. It’s such a difficult thing to have to witness and the fact that most people aren’t great with their communication skills can exasperate the matter. What most women need when they feel passed on by is intimacy, warm touch, caressing kisses, the heat of another’s body, the feeling of being wanted and desired, listened to. Because it really does hurt when the one you love seemingly no longer wants or needs you.

     So we have secret affairs, we have our intimacy needs met elsewhere freeing us up to come home and appreciate what we have there. We become more tolerant, friendly, less grumpy, more nurturing and affectionate. Sometimes even creating the desired effect we seek, with a depletion of stress in the household and a less emotional wife, husbands tend to become more affectionate towards their wives. The thing is, is maybe rather than hoping for a particular outcome from an action, we need to learn how to communicate what we need. We need to have the courage to talk to each other in a relationship, it can only be a benefit to the union and it is imperative to a happy and lasting marriage.

     So if you were to ask me now what I think about affairs my response might sound a bit ambiguous but what I am absolutely sure of is that being open and honest with myself and my husband gave me the opportunity to fix anything that was broken in our relationship. In a roundabout way, if I the affair hadn’t occurred, there is a great possibility that we would have never dealt with our marital issues and just ended up drifting apart for good and that, would have been unfair to us both.


Good communication comes in many forms.


Love Lexi XXX